just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
