you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
