There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
