Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize