You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
