I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
