If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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