Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
