the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
