nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
