I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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