it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
