I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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