Your face is a jimmy john
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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