I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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