True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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