I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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