Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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