Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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