i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize