I looked at my own cervix.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize