even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
