I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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