Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
