What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
