the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
