i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
