how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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