I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
