You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
tell your sister to shave her snatch
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
