who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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