we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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