Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
