I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
