i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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