Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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