We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
