I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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