Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
