Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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