Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
