They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
