I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
