she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
