Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I came so hard my ears popped.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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