Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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