garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Life is so much better after having sex.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Watching her eat just hurts me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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