Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
