I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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