i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
