Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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