Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
