But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
