Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
