So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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