So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
